The “Cow Caper”

Recently, Jonathon Payton in Stafford, Virginia, was arrested for shoplifting 26 gallons of milk from Wal-Mart (about $92 worth).

You can watch the video (and the over-zealous news anchor) here.

Adorable cow.

First of all, none of the people he talked to were candid. Everyone and their mom knows that. However, despite that and the overall cheesiness of this video, i still enjoy it. Obviously, it was a slow news day.

This is an odd crime. But considering that Payton is 18-years-old, i suspect that it was a practical joke. Or, of course, he could have mental problems. I really hope it was just a joke or a cry for attention. Considering that he tried to hand out the milk to people after getting outside with it suggests to me that he had no real motivation in stealing it; besides maybe boredom. But either way, what an embarrassing crime to commit. It’s also quite a shame that there aren’t any pictures of the actual event. He had a good run though, he actually made it to McDonald’s before getting caught. It goes without saying that this guy isn’t very smart.

However in 2008, an Ohio woman named Michele Allen was arrested for chasing children and blocking traffic. She was drunk ( no surprise there.) To her neighbor’s delight, she also urinated on their porch (i’m still trying to figure out the logistics of urinating while wearing a cow costume,kudos to you, Michele…true ingenuity.)

Michele Allen's mugshot. (utterly disturbing).

If she had chased me as a child, i would have been scared of cows my entire life. I would have also been permanently scarred.

The only person who should ever actually wear a cow costume.

Turns out Reno 911 isn’t actually that far from reality. I apologize in advance for the profanity and the short-shorts.

Lesson learned: costumes in crime only work if they are used as disguises, otherwise, they are just silly.